The Lion's Den

January 16, 2012

Stupid Stuff

Well, a little while ago I did the first installment of stuff I find annoying. If you don't remember it was about body odor and one person in particular who has a huge problem with this issue. You can find that blog right here under True Story. But there are many other things that get me more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watching a doughnut rolling down the hill.

For example, what about the half wits who drive pussy cars but floor it like crazy on a Saturday night at every green light in a hopeless attempt to "impress" those who witness this idiocy? There they are revving the lawnmower "engine" of their little boxy cars hoping that there is some female somewhere who is brain dead enough to be impressed by it. There is nothing wrong with driving a boxy little car to get around but unless you have some V8 muscle to flex showing off is a lost cause. Look guys, if the sub woofer in your car has more horse power than its engine PLEASE realize that you can only look like a complete douche "racing" or showing off that litter box on wheels you call your car.

Or what about the morons who do wheelies on their crotch rockets in traffic or even on the freeway? How small must your male appendage be for you to feel the need to endanger yourself and others just so you have the opportunity to show the public what a complete and pathetic loser you are? Why are these wheelie-popping morons hell bent on announcing their inadequacies? I will never know.

In all seriousness, we are NOT impressed with anything other than your monumental douchyness. Even if you are not doing wheelies it is impossible for a man to look "cool" on a crotch rocket. Just look at the position the bike forces you to ride in. You are basically on all fours with your butt propped up in a "someone get me from behind please?" position. While that can and usually does look quite sexy on a woman, when Bubba gets on that bike my gaydar immediately hits the red zone. A Harley cruiser has you sitting in a cool "I ride my iron horse" position while any crotch rocket makes you look like you are cruising for a prostate exam where the "doctor" doesn't use his hands. Truth be told if you have the right car or bike you never have to "show off". All you have to do is "show up".

Another thing that gets me rolling my eyes are people who try too hard to sound "young" when they speak. You know... the "peeps" who will tell you that they went on a "vaycay with their bestie and ended up preggo or whatevs". I mean seriously??? When did sounding stupid become the new "cool"? I never got that memo! If you speak like that and you are older than 13 then there are no words to describe what a huge annoyance you are to the proud owner of a functioning brain. You are the human equivalent of scratching your nails across a chalkboard.

Or what about "rappers bling"? I love how rappers are always talking about "keepin it real" and every video seems to be centered around how rich they are, how many women, gold and diamonds they have. Fact is that I have a severe sweet tooth for Lion theme gold rings, necklaces and pendants. So I am not judging anyone's passion for jewelry. Everyone knows genuine gold jewelry is not only great art but also a fantastic investment because money loses value while gold does not.

I also LOVE a fine mechanical watch. A truly well crafted watch will usually, with very few exceptions, cost $10,000 dollars and up. By up I mean WAYYYY UP. One of my favorite watches for example is the Audemars Piquet Royal Oak Offshore Survivor which is VERY limited edition and if you are lucky you can find this watch somewhere for about $65,000 USD. This watch, by the way, has ZERO bling and is not made of gold. It is made of titanium, stainless steel and has a rubber strap. You are simply paying that much for the amazing craftsmanship of the genius who created this incredible timepiece by hand.

Now, anyone who has ever watched a Rap video has seen how "wealthy" the average rapper must be judging by their "iced out" watches and bling. Keeping in mind that a watch with absolutely ZERO bling like the AP Survivor costs in excess of $65,000 USD one can only imagine how much a rapper's watch covered in gold and diamonds would cost, right? WRONG!

The stuff that rappers wear is what is commonly referred to as "gangsta gold" and has 99 percent other alloys and just a tiny, IF ANY, percentage of gold in it. The mentality here is basically that as long as it is yellow its gold and if its shiny its a diamond. NOT.

The "diamonds" are simply glass or cheap crystal. The only people who confuse yellow metal and glass with genuine gold and diamonds are people who have never owned or even seen the real deal in person, which seems to include every rapper on planet earth. In other words, the "expensive" dollar sign super bling completely iced out watch a "rich" rapper will wear costs a whopping 60 bucks. For those of you who always dreamed of wearing superstar rapper bling, check this out.

The good news is that for the prize of a pair of cheap jeans you CAN buy 50 cent's "genuine (yea right) gold super bling watch. What makes this so funny to me is the fact that everything in the Rap scene is about glorifying money. Dollar sign watches, rings, belt buckles and anything else you can think of but in the end these guys buy watches, rings, necklaces and pendants that cost less than the average vintage Barbie. So much for "keepin it real".

And then there are those who suffer from what I call the "Tarzan syndrome". Not to sound like I am making any racist or sexist assumptions here but this condition mostly affects white females. I cannot tell you how often this happens. I walk my dog and all is well when all of a sudden perfect tranquility is disturbed by a hideously high pitched noise that makes me feel like someone is trying to tattoo my brain through my ears. You know the sound... the high pitched "OOOH MY GOOOODDDD!!! HE'S SOOOO CUUUUUUTEEEEEE!!!!" Usually this sound is accompanied by a slightly hunched over white female zombie slowly dragging her cadaver to where my K9 son and I stand trying to persevere through this sonic terrorist attack. Arms stretched out in front of her like the feelers of an undead snail searching for salad leftovers the creature continues closing in on me and my K9 son who is positively disturbed by what he sees and hears.

At this point I usually get a tight grip on Raphael's collar to prevent a bloodbath, hold up a crucifix with my middle finger extended and tell the creepy creature to please stop the infernal noise and leave us in peace. Then, of course, the avalanche of angry questions ensues... "Why are you not nice? Why is your dog not nice? Why do you walk your dog if people cannot touch him?" Look here creepy zombie snail high pitch lady. Neither my dog nor I care for your crazy arms, high pitched voice or disgusting hands to share some of your demented love, OK? I kiss my dogs face all day long so do I really want your disjointed digits on his face where my lips will be a few minutes later? WHO KNOWS WHERE YOUR UNDEAD HANDS HAVE BEEN CREEPAZOID!!??

Raphael gets loved on all day every day and doesn't want your affection or love regardless of whether "you have a big dog too", think that "all dogs love all people who love dogs", you "run with wolves in your spare time" or any other craziness spewing from your nutty spit bubble spewing lips. I have news for you: Dogs don't like high pitched crazy zombie snail ladies with weird postures approaching. In fact, YOUR VERY OWN dog doesn't like your voice and weirdness either but he puts up with it because he is smarter than you and he forgives you for being the undead mess you are.

What I find interesting is that for the most part this behavior is only displayed by white females. I have never had a black man approach my dog without a healthy amount of respect and caution. This is why I like to call this condition the "Tarzan syndrome". Let us remember the story of Tarzan, shall we? A little white baby gets dropped off in the jungle, gets raised by apes and inevitably becomes THE LORD OF THE JUNGLE who rules ALL creatures big and small and is worshipped as a God by the natives. RIGHT!! I believe that this story has greatly contributed to the behavior of the creepy white zombie snail high pitch females who believe that all animals MUST love and worship them.

One of these days I would like to write the TRUE story of Tarzan. The story will go a little something like this: A white baby gets dropped off in the jungle, shits itself, therefore attracting the nearest tiger who even though he is thoroughly disgusted by the unholy smell promptly eats little Tarzan and turns him into a kitty turd the very next time nature calls. THE END.

This is the story that must be told to those who suffer from "Tarzan syndrome". Maybe then I get to walk my dog in peace?

Until next time...

Your friend, M. Lion

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